It costs 660 yen (about $6.30) just to step into a cab in Tokyo, and the subway system stops running at midnight. Bastards. I think the price should be lower for two very credible reasons. First, I should get a discount for the entertainment I provide the drivers with my horrendous Japanese. My directions usually come out like “straight … ummm, tunnel … ummm, light next left, please … again, please.” (Or maybe they’ll start charging me more for the extra mental effort it takes to understand what the fuck I’m saying.)
The other reason prices should be lower is the massive amount of advertising that assaults me when I step into a cab. Some of it, like the scrolling digital banner ads, I can’t understand anyway (for a long time I thought it was payment information). But I can figure out the brochures glaring at me from the back of the seat. They’re usually for services such as hair replacement for men or crappy-ass DVD releases (I share a cab with “Alien vs. Predator” often these days).
By far, this is my favorite Tokyo taxicab brochure:
This is the mighty legion of happy hairs. More specifically, it’s a legion of happy armpit hairs, torturing fair maidens all over Japan with their presence. See how they mock you with their stares and smiles? They know you suffer when they come, and they relish the power they possess over your pits.
“Do not fuck with us! We will make you stinky and appear to have Brillo pads attached to your body!” they shout. All hope is lost, is it not? No. Fortunately for you, there is a force they fear.
“You are no match for my powerful happy armpit hair death ray, which I can utilize for only 8,000 yen!” cries your savior, who rides to your rescue on a white coat and sporting a porno mustache. The happy armpit hairs quickly become sad, shaking in fear at what the stranger might pull out of his pocket.
It’s only a flashlight, but for some mystical reason unknown to mankind when he turns it on, then utters the words “Let’s love armpit happy” the legion of armpit hairs scream in agony then disappear, living your pit smooth and sparkling clean.
And if you act now, you can transform your hairy, stinky self into a metaphysical cheerleader, flying through the heavens surrounded by clouds, pulsars, quasars and some very informative speech balloons.
“Hooray armpit hair destroyer technician! Once again I can go on dates and snuggle close to my man, watching the special-edition DVD of ‘Alien vs. Predator’ with total self-confidence!”
Note: All translations approximate.
UPDATE: Of course, when I say “translations approximate” I mean “entirely made up by someone who doesn’t read Japanese.” Just wanted to clarify. Thanks!
sid world headquarters
Boing Boing | 01-May-05 at 2:28 pm | Permalink
Japanese armpit-hair-removal ad
Here’s a scan of an armpit-hair-removal brochure found in Tokyo taxis. Snip from loose translation (or so I’m told — I can’t read Japanese): “Do not fuck with us! We will make you stinky and appear to have Brillo pads attached to your body!” they shou…
Orion Allzen | 01-May-05 at 8:54 pm | Permalink
I live in Japan also and can share having to live in these obsurdities. Makes me want to burn something,you know? WAYYYY Overboard. EEEEEEEASY!
ruku uiruson | 01-May-05 at 9:58 pm | Permalink
Your translation really sucks. Learn some Japanese and maybe you won’t let your imagination run so wild with the ads.
NuclearFashion | 02-May-05 at 12:03 am | Permalink
It’s laser hair removal, not a flashlight. I’m only a second year japanese student, but the translation’s more like “Buy laser armpit hair removal? Nobody’d do that!” “There’s someone right here who’ll do it for 8,000yen” then turns on the laser and says “Take this!” while the hairs scream and lament (Kiiii!, Angyaaaaa!). I don’t know what the last image’s kanji is in the second line, but overall the message is something like “Thank you laser armpit hair, I’m glad I was born” or something about being born anyway. Also the title to this add is “We’re armpit hairs, we love-love the armpit!” Someone could probably give a more direct translation, but I thought people should be able to get the gist a little better and let the comedy come from the add rather than mistranslations
shane. | 02-May-05 at 12:41 am | Permalink
As Prince might say…”Con-tro-ver-sy!”
I’ve heard that a sense of humour adds sparkle to life. This post was so bright I had to wear shades. Keep it up Syd Straw.
Ben | 02-May-05 at 12:44 am | Permalink
Yup. The add is plenty amusing enough without the hyperbole.
sid | 02-May-05 at 1:07 am | Permalink
Hyperbole? Bad translation?
Ummm, I thought I established at the very beginning of the post that I don’t really speak Japanese.
Just made stuff up. Letting my imagination play.
Didn’t expect to be attacked by a bunch of gaijin who are enormously proud of their Japanese progress.
Thomas J. Brown | 02-May-05 at 1:38 am | Permalink
I want to speak Japanese, but don’t. I found your translation to not only be superior to the “real” translations, but much more accurate. -)
NuclearFashion | 02-May-05 at 1:42 am | Permalink
I should’ve just given a translation, the excess commentary was unnecessary and unhelpful. I was only concerned because the page has been linked to by Boing Boing and even with the phrase ‘loose translation’ it’s a little misleading. As an aside, I am proud of my Japanese progress. Trying to become culturally aware is how I fight the Republican menace.
Shashank | 02-May-05 at 9:03 am | Permalink
Well translated or not, this was a hilarious ad to spot, no dearth of this stuff in Japan
sid | 02-May-05 at 9:57 am | Permalink
Thanks, NF. I looked at the BoingBoing link and can see now how people thought it was supposed to be a real translation. I guess my “translations approximate” joke was a little too subtle.
I think it rules that you’re becoming culturally aware. I’m trying to do the same, hence the move. Unfortunately, the job that brought me here also keeps me too busy to find regular Japanese lessons, so I haven’t advanced much beyond what I need to get by (like giving bad taxi directions and purchasing black-tar heroin).
Nameless in Tokyo | 02-May-05 at 2:08 pm | Permalink
“Didn’t expect to be attacked by a bunch of gaijin who are enormously proud of their Japanese progress.”
Ah, well, Sid. People don’t recognize greatness!
Some gaijin leave their parody detectors at Narita, I suppose. And perhaps Xeni should made it more obvious that it was snark, not translation.
I often wonder WHO THE FUCK designed and produced these ads? (I ride a lot of taxis) And who the fuck goes to a salon advertised in this way? The same salon used to have an ad that said: “Are you spending your money the wrong way?” It had the same alarming graphic style, and pictures of a hairy Brillo-pad armpit girl with a LV bag, Manolo shoes and whatnot, with big Minnie Pearl style price tags on them. I.E., expensive things won’t make you pretty–only expensive hair removal treatments!
42ndSSD | 02-May-05 at 4:50 pm | Permalink
I’m fiendishly trying to become even more culturally ignorant, so I can mock ridiculous ads without feeling superior or something.
I mean, come on… that woman has a *price bubble* coming out of her armpit. Wouldn’t make any difference if I could read what the heck was written there in the first place, it’s still absolutely hilarious. Looks to me like she’s got talking parasites living in her armpit… or she’s trying to sell her rudimentary pit stubble.
Cultural ignoramuses… unite!
yuki | 02-May-05 at 6:33 pm | Permalink
haha! i remember getting on a taxi and my friend started CRACKING UP reading that brochure. she took them home with her.
i think that you should mention that you mistranslated the “flashlight” part though, destroys the whole humor..
I noob | 02-May-05 at 8:01 pm | Permalink
Great work!
for those that critize a sense of humor, you’re better suited to posting in the metropolis forums where the unhappy people live.
n1 Sid!
queen of nonsense | 04-May-05 at 12:37 pm | Permalink
phunny stuff, my pits looked like that this morning. but i used a razor, not a lazor. ha ha
Longnecks | 05-May-05 at 7:03 am | Permalink
http://www.raisehelldrinkbeer.com/#000411
Of course, when I say “translations approximate” I mean “entirely made up by someone who doesn’t read Japanese.” Just wanted to clarify….
reptile_k | 09-May-05 at 3:37 pm | Permalink
猜猜這是什麼?
菜瓜布? 嗯, 算你答對. 因為這也是纖維硬, 味道不好, 看了會起雞皮疙瘩的東西. 這是 Sid 在東京計程車上拿的, 美容沙龍的雷射除腋毛廣告折頁.
Sensualist | 12-Oct-05 at 11:09 am | Permalink
I Really don’t see what the big deal is, I
personally REALLY LIKE armpit hair on women that
is not more than 1/2″. If kept clean she doesn’t
even have to wear deodorant—I understand the
ad is for hair removal but we need to STOP letting
society dictate how we look/dress/act ect.