nude highway driving

Two things heard the day before Thanksgiving at the home of my grandparents:

Grandma: Hey, Sid, your oysters are ready!

Me: Thanks!

Granddad: Those will put lead in your pencil. But you didn’t bring anybody to write to.

Later that night, at dinner …

Mom: One of my favorite pictures is that one of you and your grandfather on the beach.

Me: Yeah, can you believe that was taken 11 years ago?

Grandma: Didn’t one of you have your dick out in the picture?

… I snicker when I see that the first person quoted in this story on Michael Jackson being a wacky celebrity is the senior editor of In Touch Weekly.

… I feel old as dirt because in our news meeting we were discussing teasers for Page 1 and we realized that our “target audience” (18-29-year-olds) probably doesn’t know who Glen Campbell is. My boss said, “Of course they do, he was on ‘The Mac Davis Show.’” Blank stares. Laughter.

… I think this satire piece on the AARP doesn’t really seem like that far of a stretch from reality.

… I wonder if Georgians refer to their capital as Hotbilisi.

I recently got back in touch with my friend Robert (Bob if you’re nasty), a good friend starting from high school with whom I always shared a massive-ass love of music. All our friends loved music, but we were the kind of geeks who got excited over finding a rare New Order 12″ with bonus tracks, the kind of geeks who could rock out to the Woodentops and were in love with the drummer of Christmas. We spent all our cash on vinyl. We easily could have been staff members at the record store in “High Fidelity.”

Unfortunately, as I grew older and “alternative” radio became a big, annoying thing I started changing into a closed-minded music fan. Except for a year when Robert had given me a subscription to CMJ, I really haven’t been exposed to a lot of new music in the past few years. I still will find “new” bands and get into them, but for the most part I keep to what I know. This year every concert I went to (with the dance-party exception of Fischerspooner) was someone I’ve been listening to for at least 10 years. Some of it is stubbornness (I refuse to listen to the Strokes because I got sick of people saying they were the “next Velvet Underground” — and “Last Night” is one of the most annoying songs ever) and some of it is lack of exposure (I don’t have cable and have given up on music magazines). Hearing bands such as Creed, Nickelback and Incubus only expedite the closing of my mind.

But I know there’s buttloads (note: about three shitloads to a buttload) of music out there that I probably would like. Fortunately, hip-ass friend Robert sent me a list of what he’s listening to lately, and it seems like a good launch pad for my reintegration into the world. (Unless I designate otherwise, I’ve never heard of them.)

Elliott Smith — “Pretty Ugly (Before)” 7″

I honestly never heard of this guy until he died. Now he’s “that guy who stabbed himself in the chest” to me. I’d prefer to think of him as “that guy with the kick-ass music.”

Death Cab For Cutie — “We Have The Facts and We’re Voting Yes”

The Shins — “Oh, Inverted World”

Broken Social Scene — “You Forgot it in People”

The Wrens — “Meadowlands”

Idaho — “Three Sheets to the Wind”

The Chameleons — “Strip”

Acoustic remakes of their old stuff! I fucking love The Chameleons — a staple on my stereo since about 1987. Was ecstatic when they reunited and toured this year, and caught the Black Cat show. Hugged the lead singer and thanked him for all these years of beauty. I can’t emphasize how wonderful this band is.

Heatmiser — “Mic City Sans”

Had heard of them, and thoroughly love the name, but never listened to them before.

Outkast — “Speakerbox”

Another band I know of but never really heard. Yes, yes I know the big hit about Andre 3000 nailing (or, I guess, ceasing to nail) Erykah Badu, and I’ve heard the new Andre 3000 song “Hey Ya,” and I dig it.

Radiohead — “Hail to the Thief”

This may sound unimaginable in these times, but I’ve never heard a Radiohead song apart from what’s been played lots on the radio. I can’t stand “Creep,” but like some of the others I’ve heard. I know they have rabid followings, and they seem like groovy little dudes.

Iron & Wine — “Sea & The Rhythm”

I have to hear them if only because Robert says they are Simon and Garfunkel meets 16 Horsepower.

Such is my starting point.

What cool, new things are you listening to? I’d love more suggestions — I want to get back into discovery mode with music, and recommendations from funky people is the best path to take.

I thought it was a joke last week when I saw Jones Soda offering their new turkey and gravy flavor. Apparently it’s real, and apparently the online offering sold out in three hours. Woo. I wanted to try the delectable turkey and gravy soda.

Lucky for me (and you), more bottles are in stores, starting today. Mmmmmm, gravy.

Yet another reason why I’m glad I don’t have cable.

I really, really hope that if Michael Jackson molested this boy he gets the full smack of the law across his face. I want to see justice served, I honestly do.

What I don’t want to see is endless hours of nonstop Michael Jackson analysis and “breaking news” alerts on the 24-hour TV news monsters. Luckily, I’m not in direct viewing range of any of the TVs in the newsroom. But I will have to endure endless AP copy on the subject, and the never-failing dropoff in coverage of other news that always seems to happen when the media fixate on star-crusted crap.

One thing I will watch is an armed standoff, where a coked-up Jacko emerges from his compound armed to the teeth, bullets wrapped around his muscular frame, and pulls a Tony Montana, pumping lead into coppers and screaming “Say hello to my little friend!”

Oh, wait - that’s the statement that got him in trouble in the first place. My bad.