nude highway driving

I know everybody lately is fascinated with the missing Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. And what’s not to love? He’s a great manipulator of language with balls the size of Baghdad. There already is a talking doll made after him. He is a master of untrue hyperbole, saying U.S. troops were “committing suicide on the gates of Baghdad” as missiles flew past his head. I think he should go head-to-head with Ari Fleischer, the U.S. information minister. Sure, Ari has a better grasp of the English language, but Mohammed wraps his lies in exciting statements, whereas Ari clothes his lies in boring-ass doublespeak. And sometimes Mohammed even tells the truth (”I speak better English than this villain Bush.”)

But in all the hubbub over Mohammed and his rise to fame, people are overlooking the all-being masters of this new hyperbolic trend. And I’m not talking about rappers. No, I am talking about the Korean Central News Agency, official mouthpiece of North Korea.

Who can forget their threat to “deal the U.S. merciless blows” or their proof that “the U.S. aggressor troops enjoy exceptional extraterritorial privilege and they are the root cause of all the misfortune and pains the South Korean people”? How can you not love these guys? They are one of the greatest sources of humor out there, and should get their props! Screw my Onion and Weekly World News desk calendars - I want a KCNA calendar!

I know, I know - KCNA works for a pretty evil guy. But then again so does Mohammed. And Ari’s boss, while he doesn’t outright kill dissenters, is no big fan of human rights.

So I vote we have a propaganda showdown between the three countries’ information ministries. Maybe KCNA can pick one spokesperson and we can hold a three-way rap battle just like in “8 Mile.” But, you know, without the baggy pants.