nude highway driving

This photo may look similar to the one accompanying the post I wrote before I left for vacation, but there is one very important difference. I watched this photo get taken, and saw with my own eyes that beaches like this actually exist. I ate grilled fresh fish and drank rum only a few feet away. Time to go buy a Spanish dictionary and start looking for homes in the Dominican Republic …

It is painfully hard to be back. The Bahamas were gorgeous, the Dominican Republic was beyond-words beautiful and St. Thomas would be a great place from which to telecommute. I’m happy to report I was successful in ignoring the news the entire time I was on the cruise, only learning of the Redneck Across Town’s wacky war adventure when I picked up a Miami Herald on Sunday night in Miami Beach. As I was getting the paper and a lemonade, I looked to my right and saw Goldie buying a drink. “Why the hell is Goldie in Miami?” I thought. Spinning for spring breakers? I later learned I had just missed some big-ass DJ conference.

Miami Beach was garishly nice. Everywhere the cruise went was gorgeous. I was begging tour operators for jobs and trying to figure out how little I could make and still get by on an island. I meant to post updates during my adventures, but Carnival thinks at-sea Internet access is worth a $3.95 setup fee plus 75 cents a minute. The money that would have gone to daily updates found a much better home at the Lido Deck bar. Fruity-ass drinks, man.

D.C. felt like a heartless monster creeping up on me the night before we flew back. Even though wars are the things that make newsrooms exciting (sometimes you even get free pizza), I’m glad I was sailing the high seas during the opening shots. I am kinda bummed I missed the crazy tractor guy, however. Now that’s excitement. Not to mention a reaffirmation of my faith in the Department of Homeland Security. I don’t recall any illustrations about how to survive an invasion of tractors with fake grenades.

My only complaint about the cruise was seeing a “Freedom Fries” label on the damn french fries. Stop the insanity! Fortunately, no congresspeople have removed the Statue of Liberty from its site just because it came from the French. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised. I think all the freedom fries eaters should read French Week at Idle Words. Remember, if it wasn’t for the French we’d all have bad teeth and would be paying taxes to support an inbred family who refuses to get jobs.