nude highway driving

The last time we invaded Iraq, when a man named Bush was president and the economy was tanking despite multiple lowerings of lending rates, I was a junior at Syracuse University studying abroad in London (but I can’t remember her name - ba dump, shhh … I slay me). I was a magazine major with an internship at Arena; proudly stood next to Billy Bragg as he sang at a big-ass protest in Trafalgar Square, only to see him perform again in a small club with Robyn Hitchcock and R.E.M. under the band name Bingo Hand Job; and frightened my writing studio with an essay on why I love Toilet Duck. Pigface released their first album, Nirvana was an underground act, Jesus Jones was being played way too much, I was in love with Winona Ryder and I vowed to stay in Europe if the government decided to institute a draft.

And I swore I would never work for a newspaper.

Now we’re invading again, with a man named Bush as president and the economy tanking despite multiple lowerings of lending rates, and I’ve been editing at newspapers for 11 years (don’t ask why - I have no answer). I already am burned out on covering the war, probably because I’m burned out on the news in general, and am fighting inner demons to try to make my escape from this part of the business (or the entire business) and just write all the time. I still believe in Billy Bragg, Robyn Hitchcock still cracks me up, and I kinda dig R.E.M.’s recent anti-war song. Despite cleaning toilets very well with his militant germ-fighting skills, Toilet Duck no longer exists. I have no idea where the hell Jesus Jones is, Kurt Cobain’s been dead nine years and I just missed the latest Pigface tour. Winona’s still pretty, she just needs to eat a couple pieces of cake. I’m too old to get drafted.

And I swear I won’t work for any more newspapers.

“The notion that a radical is one who hates his country is naive and usually idiotic. He is, more likely, one who likes his country more than the rest of us, and is thus more disturbed than the rest of us when he sees it debauched. He is not a bad citizen turning to crime; he is a good citizen driven to despair.”
... H.L. Mencken

P.S. This is only my second day back in the newsroom, and I’m already sick of Wolf Blitzer’s voice. Thank God I don’t have cable at home.

This photo may look similar to the one accompanying the post I wrote before I left for vacation, but there is one very important difference. I watched this photo get taken, and saw with my own eyes that beaches like this actually exist. I ate grilled fresh fish and drank rum only a few feet away. Time to go buy a Spanish dictionary and start looking for homes in the Dominican Republic …

It is painfully hard to be back. The Bahamas were gorgeous, the Dominican Republic was beyond-words beautiful and St. Thomas would be a great place from which to telecommute. I’m happy to report I was successful in ignoring the news the entire time I was on the cruise, only learning of the Redneck Across Town’s wacky war adventure when I picked up a Miami Herald on Sunday night in Miami Beach. As I was getting the paper and a lemonade, I looked to my right and saw Goldie buying a drink. “Why the hell is Goldie in Miami?” I thought. Spinning for spring breakers? I later learned I had just missed some big-ass DJ conference.

Miami Beach was garishly nice. Everywhere the cruise went was gorgeous. I was begging tour operators for jobs and trying to figure out how little I could make and still get by on an island. I meant to post updates during my adventures, but Carnival thinks at-sea Internet access is worth a $3.95 setup fee plus 75 cents a minute. The money that would have gone to daily updates found a much better home at the Lido Deck bar. Fruity-ass drinks, man.

D.C. felt like a heartless monster creeping up on me the night before we flew back. Even though wars are the things that make newsrooms exciting (sometimes you even get free pizza), I’m glad I was sailing the high seas during the opening shots. I am kinda bummed I missed the crazy tractor guy, however. Now that’s excitement. Not to mention a reaffirmation of my faith in the Department of Homeland Security. I don’t recall any illustrations about how to survive an invasion of tractors with fake grenades.

My only complaint about the cruise was seeing a “Freedom Fries” label on the damn french fries. Stop the insanity! Fortunately, no congresspeople have removed the Statue of Liberty from its site just because it came from the French. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised. I think all the freedom fries eaters should read French Week at Idle Words. Remember, if it wasn’t for the French we’d all have bad teeth and would be paying taxes to support an inbred family who refuses to get jobs.

Did you ever notice that when you’re about to go on a spectacular vacation the last few days before you leave you get the feeling that if you had scheduled this thing even a couple days later you would have cracked before the plane left and ended up in a padded cell somewhere peeing on yourself and writing love letters to Martha Quinn in Sanskrit? Maybe it’s just me. My mind is far, far gone and I’ll be amazed and delighted when I make boarding call.

The only non-stressful moment of today was when I was listening to NPR and they were doing a report from SXSW. The reporter was talking about semi-famous singers playing in the streets and said Mary Lou Lord was doing it because the festival is all about commerce and when she plays on the street it’s all about people who want to hear her music. At this point the female anchor chimed in with “Keeping it real.” I lost it. It was a comedic high point in NPR’s history. They’re all about the street cred. I hear Robert Siegel’s getting a “Thug Life” tattoo on his stomach next week.

I’m not leaving a minute too soon. The idiocy over the France thing is reaching painful highs. I don’t think people really think about how big a task they face if they want to eradicate French influence from our lives.

The only thing I’ll miss while I’m gone is the Pigface show. I’ll be ignoring the news (Hey - I work with it every day, so I’m allowed to block it out on vacations), so if the Redneck Across Town starts a war or something silly like that please e-mail me so I can find a hut on an island somewhere down there and stay for a couple years.

The Post had a pretty decent piece on the evils of high-fructose corn syrup the other day - it’s nice to see more people realizing part of what makes Americans large. It’s cheaper than sugar, tastes sweeter and arguably is more efficient at negatively affecting your physique. Some people even see the adoption of high-fructose corn syrup as the secret reason behind the New Coke debacle, though others reject this.

Predictably, corn industry spokespeople said losing weight is all about the exercise. It is about the exercise, and I’m the first person to say Americans need to get off their asses, but I kinda disagree with the chick from the Corn Refiners Association who says: “You can not discontinue the use of any one food or beverage and expect tomorrow — or even in 10 years from now — to be thin without increased physical activity.”

I’m sorry, but when you cut out processed sugar you lose weight … often to the tune of a pound a day. My mountain-biking friend does it every year. I cut out processed everything, including flour and legumes and grains, and lost a pound a day for 10 days, eventually losing 20 pounds since December 1. I haven’t increased my exercise at all (not on purpose, I’m just, uhhh, busy). I just eat based on a theory that agriculture and the modern foods that follow it are way too recent for evolution to catch up, so we should eat what we ate 50,000 years ago: Meat, vegetables, fruits and nuts (not to be confused with legumes). Basically, anything you could eat raw in the wild without getting super sick or dying. Stricter than Atkins in the sense that I never eat bread or pasta, but less strict in that I don’t watch my carb intake from fruits and vegetables. Sure, you have to alter your habits, including if you go to church (Just kidding, Jesus), but being in great shape and having your stomach feel fine all the time is worth it.

Unfortunately for us, everyone eating well would hurt the American economy, since so much business is built on getting consumers hooked on crap they don’t physically need that harms their health but is cheap to make. And you don’t want to make the business community angry. You are being watched.